Like a mirage you don't want to see, you are missing from this world
by thekillerkiwi
Summary: Kaneki tries to ignore how much he misses him.


In an alternate universe in which Tsukiyama leaves with his father to Europe after Kaneki drops him from the Eclipse building, Kaneki asks for Tsukiyama one day and they tell him he is alive and well, but elsewhere. Kaneki tries and tries to forget him; he doesn't even understand why it's an issue in the first place. He didn't think about him before, right? He didn't wonder if he had made it, when he fell from the roof? If V had taken him? He hadn't thought about Tsukiyama in the months it took him to track down Takatsuki Sen and raid Cochlea. Not once.

He thought about him when he saw his closest acquaintances and friends in :re, but not him.

His absence stood out like a sore thumb for some reason, especially when he saw Banjou and Hinami. Tsukiyama would always rile Banjou up and bicker, he would always bring Hinami dresses, sit together and read. With him around, their department was never quiet. Kaneki grips his claws and the sting against palms calms him.

Then, when flowers were delivered in the mornings in :re for the decorations in the tables, he sits in the table where Touka is fixing the flowers in glass vases. His mind wanders to the flowers Tsukiyama would bring. Daisies, sunflowers, tulips, primroses, lilies… Tsukiyama loved to arrange them and decorate their kitchen and living room. He'd even sneak some into his room, white rose-like declarations he'd never admit to understanding. Kaneki blushes as he picks out a delicate looking stem holding five bell-like flowers from the vase Touka is fixing and sighs deeply. Touka raises a delicate brow. "What a liar…"

Kaneki sighs yet again and droops onto the table, head on his crossed arms. Touka knows pretty well he is most definitely not talking about her, but she's kind of curious about who he is talking about. Kaneki doesn't giver her the chance to ask, as he immediately stands up and leaves, the small lily-of-the-valley he picked up earlier crushed and forgotten. Touka rolls her eyes, So melodramatic…

Then it's when he's sparring with Banjou or Ayato, when he goes to the rooftop to think, when he sees Hinami reading a book, when he joins the others to eat. Tsukiyama is everywhere. He's in his right-handed lift and left-legged kick, at the edge of the rooftop telling him he doesn't know him, in every book he knows they both liked, in the way he eats almost all his meat in a stew that looks almost human. He begins to feel it; it's not just his mind, it's an ache in his chest, it's a longing. Why now, he'll think in the battlefield, as he uses his kagune to fend off an attacker coming from behind, why does he think about him now as he stands over yet another carcass of a Clown.

Hinami and Banjou knew from the start, how he kept looking for another person amongst their group. Nishiki figured out his eyes, how they kept turning towards the horizon, how he kept looking for someone that wasn't there; he knew that look. It was his own. And then… Touka figured out his body language, a body that was satisfied but unhappy, a man who could love her but didn't.

She gave him her ring anyways. Because she didn't have sex, didn't make love, to make him love her, but to make him stay. Kaneki loved her like he loved Hinami, like he loved Hide. They were his family and Touka thought the same; she just didn't want to lose her family anymore. She hoped that ring would remind him not of her, but of the shape of good memories. That ring is more than a proof that her parents lived; it was a proof that her parents loved each other, just like her and Ayato. They are the living proof of their love. She wants Kaneki to have that too. Proof that he is loved, proof that he will be missed.

And then, few months later, the battles have given shape to a war, the wave is about to crest, and the ghouls are cornered into the underground. They are going to starve, he knows, Nishiki knows, Touka knows. Even with the help of Ogura and the Great Wheel Act or the real residents of the Underground city of the 24th Ward, Goat cannot change the tide by themselves. Kaneki goes into another battlefield… but it seems to be their last. His forces have been scattered in the bones of the 24th Ward, he is being cornered by several investigators, he can see his closest friends fighting for their lives and cannot help them. The world seems to be caving in, Kaneki can't close his eyes.

Then, from the sky they came.

Hundreds of ghouls of different nationalities, all dropping from parachutes and aircrafts and ropes from rooftops of various buildings. They win that battle, they bring food and water, and hope. Kaneki drops to his knees as a helicopter touches down several feet ahead of him. A familiar purple haired man comes out the door, dressed in the same black military apparel all the other ghouls around him are wearing. He walks towards him at a brisk pace and drops unto his knees before him, worried lines crinkling his eyes and brows.

Kaneki hears him say his name, but he's too overwhelmed. Tsukiyama takes him by the shoulders and shakes him roughly, thinking the worst, but Kaneki only hangs his head in response. He can believe it now. Tsukiyama is alive. He starts laughing, a small wretched gasp, then he's hugging him. The purple haired man stiffens until he hears that soft, relieved whisper of his old leader,

"You're back."

Tsukiyama picks him up, takes him in his arms, and takes him home.

When Kaneki wakes, he's back in his rooms in one of the abandoned underground buildings of the 24th Ward and can't help but think he was merely dreaming. He blinks away the sleep, tries to ignore the sting of unshed tears hanging on the corner of his eyes, and sits up. He raises his claw-like hands to his face to clear those tears away when he notices he's not alone. His heart speeds up immediately, his shoulders tense, he feels his tongue like sandpaper, as he turns to see Tsukiyama in a plain black t-shirt and jeans right next to his bed, sitting in a rickety wooden chair, eyes lowered, book in hand. It's one of his favorite books. Tsukiyama looks up to meet his gaze, closes the worn down book and sets it on the short bedside table beside him. One of their favorite books. Kaneki gulps, but cannot feel any saliva in the back of his throat, only the cresting feeling of thirst. Tsukiyama offers him a short, twist of his mouth (and Kaneki thinks Tsukiyama could make even a grimace look handsome) and says, "I think I got here just in the nick of time, wouldn't you say, Kaneki?"

The One-Eyed King is speechless and looks like he was hit in the head; he can't seem to meet his gaze. Tsukiyama dares smile more easily and continues cheerily, "That was probably the first time I felt happy about leaving Japan.. I finally felt like I was of better use abroad, although…"

Tsukiyama lowers his eyes, then, and looks at his own folded hands as he speaks, "Although the state of Goat is beyond what we initially thought.. I feel ashamed I didn't come–"

"Don't you dare," Kaneki interrupts, voice strong, eyes hard. Tsukiyama raises his head and they finally meet each other's gaze.

"Don't you dare finish that sentence," Kaneki breathes in and out slowly as he sees the quiet acquiescence of Tsukiyama's frame relaxing and continues, "You came back. You saved us from what we thought was our final battle. Please don't belittle what you have done for us."

Tsukiyama feels tears behind his eyes, but doesn't dare bring them forward. He wasn't expecting this reaction; this sincere Kaneki. He can feel his regret for leaving bubbling beneath his skin again, just like in the beginning.

He smiles, as much as he can, and whines good-naturedly, "But I would have stayed with you, been with you, longer! Now who knows?"

Kaneki smiles bitterly, but says, "It's war; just this meeting is forcing the laws of Murphy."

Tsukiyama shakes his head quickly then meets Kaneki's gaze again, "No.. I should have stayed.. I wished I had all the time I was away."

Kaneki's eyes widen at that. Tsukiyama blushes slightly and turns to look to the side, surprisingly bashful.

"At first– I won't lie– I was heart broken.." He twists and turns his hands in his lap as he says, "That decision you took on the rooftop shook me to the bone. I.. I think I.. hated you for a while."

Kaneki turns to his own clawed hands and he can see Tsukiyama screaming as he falls, ignores the sounds of begging and crying, and turns away before the fall. He closes his eyes trying to dispel the memory; hearing Tsukiyama talk about it makes his guilt worse, makes his heart ache in ways he has been trying to ignore since he left. However, Tsukiyama continues,

"But I couldn't really. I.. I tried so hard to move on. I really did."

Tsukiyama's voice has dropped to a whisper, almost as if he was saying something he had never shared out loud. Just like Kaneki's longing… undeciphered but not unknown. He turns to see the man he had called his sword, the man who called him sir. Dearest. Mine. Tsukiyama's standing up, he couldn't stay down, he had say his piece so purple irises meet with ash brown. His voice starts to rise,

"But you were everywhere. In my habits, in my memories. Oh how you tortured me so sweetly in my dreams!"

Kaneki's eyes widen, his lips press together, stark white, but Tsukiyama continues, relentless, like a dam that's breaking, "And no matter what I tried or who I met, none of them.. No one was.."

He suddenly seems to remember himself, where he is, their circumstances, the war, their past, and the fight leaves him entirely. The truth is withheld, but the dam is already broken. Its remains strewn about, dry. Kaneki is still parched, but now knows where the water leads… Tsukiyama hangs his head in defeat, not daring to look up at Kaneki. The white haired ghoul has never made his mind up this quickly:

He stands up right there, beside his bed, in front of Tsukiyama and dares to thread his claw-like hand through his purple hair. Very softly, like talking to a scared animal, he beckons him, "Tsukiyama.. Please. Look at me."

He feels the man stiffen, yet dare to hope as he looks up to see him. Kaneki looks like he's about to crumble too. Tsukiyama's hands raise to steady him, hold his waist, and Kaneki smiles, genuinely.

"…'But no one was you,' right…?"

Tsukiyama feels Kaneki's fingers leave his hair, trace his jaw, and softly hold his chin while they both stare openly at each other. Kaneki slowly leans in with a careful smile and says as confidently as he could, "It seems, my dearest, that we are of like-minds."

Tsukiyama lets himself cry, then.

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Follow me on tumblr or AO3 for more of my stuff. I tend to update what I write in English first on AO3.

Original notes on AO3: So... I received a prompt and I was going to write only 300 words but then. Well.. I couldn't help it. The prompt was: "I tried to get over you, but no one is you." The title is from TG:re 33.


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